And I Said Yes

We had decided to take a break from unpacking our new apartment.  It just seemed like we were barely making a dent in eliminating the sea of boxes stacked up everywhere.  So, instead of getting ourselves even more overwhelmed than we already were, we decided to make it a family movie night!  Thank goodness the public libraries here have a great movie collection because the cable people hadn't yet come out to hook everything up.

Anyways, we set Moo up to watch The Muppets in the living room (JJ was asleep) and then we watched Red Tails and Horrible Bosses in the second bedroom.  It's right off the living room and I could watch Moo to make sure she stayed on the couch.  The Mr and I don't get tons of time to be alone.  So, despite the mess around us, it was nice to snuggle and have a little romantic moment.

Anyways, we're watching Red Tails.  By the way if you haven't seen this movie definitely see it.  I give it two thumbs up.  It's about the Tuskegee airmen (African American pilots) who were finally given a chance to really serve our country in Italy during World War II.  Add this to your list of movies to watch during Black History Month.

We're watching the part of the movie where one of the characters, Lighting, proposes to his Italian girlfriend, Sofia.  It was a really sweet moment because of course he's kind of portrayed as being a ladies man.  So, I wasn't expecting him to really settle down, but hey love can change you.  I won't spoil the movie and tell you what she said, but here's the conversation the Mr and I had afterwards.

The Mr: "Would you marry me?"

Me:  "Umm.... I'm pretty sure I already did that."

The Mr:  "I know that. But would you marry me again?"

Me: "You don't want to get married again."  (Our first attempt at planning a wedding was a disaster.  He hated everything about the whole process except for the food tasting part.)

The Mr:  "No, I'm serious.  I want us to renew our vows."

I still thought he was kind of joking but he kept talking about and finally I realized he was serious.  

The Mr:  "So, do you want to marry me? Again?"

Me: "Yes!"

This mama is one happy bride-to-be again!  I've always dreamed of having an actual wedding and to finally have him want that to is exciting beyond belief.  We definitely won't be doing the wedding this year because our wedding anniversary is less than a month away, but I'm looking forward to possibly walking down the aisle the next year to exchange vows with the love of my life again.  This time around, I'm not trying to plan something huge.  I want it small, intimate but grand and elegant.  We've overcome a lot and I think renewing our vows is the perfect way to celebrate our victory.

I'll be sure to keep you all updated on everything as we go along!

Would you marry your spouse all over again?

Romance Wednesday: Throwing Down

You know the saying "The best way to a man's heart is through is stomach?"  Well, that's true.  Now, I know we all can't get down like the Neelys but I'm here to tell you that a little effort goes a long way sometimes.  Over the years, I've learned that my husband really appreciates and notices how much I appreciate him when I make his favorite dishes.

Corn w/ green beans, my secret recipe hot wings, French bread topped with  fresh mozarella, baby tomatoes and onion, plain wings (for the kids) and rice.

More importantly, I've worked hard to perfect the dishes and make them to his taste preference.   For example, I like my homemade macaroni to have a little onion in it with bacon sprinkled on top.  However, my husband is not a fan of onion and he has to watch his bacon intake. So, most of the time I'll leave out the onion and if he's had bacon for breakfast, I'll leave that off too.

There's no one key to a successful relationship or marriage.  It takes a combination of things.  And food is one of them.  I always say that love is more of an action than an emotion.  So, I show my love for my husband by throwing down in the kitchen.  

Granted I throw down harder some days more than others but at the end of the day, he knows that part of the reason I cook on daily basis is him.  And likewise there are plenty of times that he goes out of his way to cook for me.  I have to admit that he has all my favorite dishes memorized and executes them to perfection.  

And then there are times we cook together.  Yep, we get all Pat and Gina Neely every so often.  It's part of what keeps our marriage strong, interesting and moving forward.  So, I'm saying you have to be Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart but surprising your wife/husband with one or two of their favorite dishes every so often could have it's benefits.

Do you cook for your spouse? Does your spouse cook for you?

Romance Wednesday: I Promise Constitution

A few months back my mom got me a marriage book called I Promise You Forver by Dr. Gary Smalley.  It's an amazing book and I recommend that every couple pick it up and read it.  Anyways, the first page of the book is the I Promise Constitution and I thought that I would share it with you all for Romance Wednesday.  Hopefully, this constitution will inspire you to change a few things about how you participate in your marriage.

I Promise Constitution

PREAMBLE: When we wed I committed to love and cherish you all the days of my life, and I affirm that commitment today.  I love you dearly, more than life itself.  I honor you and place you above all other people in my life.  My goal is to create in our marriage a place of safety and security in which you and I can share everything without fear and grow together in deeper love and intimacy.  To confirm my commitment to this goal, I willingly make these five solemn promises to you.

I PROMISE to conform my beliefs to God's truth.  I will gain control of my outlook, emotions, and happiness by continually examining my deepest beliefs and striving to make them consisent  with  what God's Word says.  I take sole responsibility for my beliefs with the understanding that they, not you, determine my emotions, expectations, and actions.  Thus I lift from you the burden of being responsible for me.

I PROMISE to be filled by God.  I will keep God in my heart as my source of joy and love.  My love for you will be His love flowing through me.  And I will receive your love as overflow from Him.  I will base the security of our marriage on making Christ my boss.  I will strive to conform to His image and follow all His commands, especially the one to love you and care for you all the days of my life.

I PROMISE to find God's best in every trial.  I give you the security of knowing that the negative things that happen in our marriage will not destroy my love for you.  I will not expect perfection from you, but will use even the irritations between us as opportunities to see my blind spots and foster my personal growth.  I will call on the power of Christ to root out my weaknesses.

I PROMISE to listen and communicate with love.  I will value every word you speak as a window to your heart.  I will honor your opinions, feelings, needs and beliefs so that you will feel free to speak honestly and openly will full security in my love for you.  I will be open with you in communicating my heart and will consider your feelings and needs in all my words.

I PROMISE to serve you all the days of my life.  I will fight all tendencies toward selfishness in me and focus on keeping you, your needs, and your goals before me at all times.  I will serve you willingly and wholeheartedly, just as Christ served His disciples not only in small, humble ways but also by giving His life for them and for us as well.

PS: Don't forget to check out Plum District.

Things That Make Me Say Hmmm...

As many of you know, I'm currently pregnant with my second bambino(a).  And of course, I'm always looking for ways to keep the spice in my marriage during this time.  I feel like it's important for pregnant women to maintain their sexy inside and outside the bedroom.  With all the morning sickness, cankles and weight gain that can be hard.  So, I was tinkering with my profile on the BlogHer website and scrolling through some of the blog posts when I came across 4 Tips to Spice Up Your Sex Life.

You know we see headlines like these all the time on the cover of Cosmo, Marie Claire and other women magazines.  And I'm always interested to see if they ever put new tips on the list or just rephrase the tips from the previous month.  So, curious me decided to click on the post and read what this author had to say.  Here was her list of suggestions:

1. Talk Dirty-Ok, most couples do that anyway.  I think we all have surprised ourselves and our mates  with some sassy bedroom talk.

2.  Act Out Your Fantaties-No shocker here.  This tip makes everybody's list.

3. Have Sex With Someone New-Hmmm...yea, this one I will certainly not be trying.  Furthermore, I don't condone sexual wrecklessness or adultary.  I'm a Christian and the Bible is pretty clear about this.  And even if you're not a Christian, what about having respect for your body and your mate.   I totally didn't get how sleeping with someone new would enhance a couple's sex life?

I mean honestly, I wouldn't be feeling too sexy if my husband told me that he needed to screw some other woman for him to be attracted me or stay interested.  Sure, we've seen this stuff on Sex & the City and read about it in fiction books, but that's just it.  Scenerios like these are meant to be just for entertainment, not something you ought to go out and try in your real life. But to each his/her own.  If sleeping with other people is what takes to keep your relationship afloat go ahead.  You'll have to live with the consequences-emotional, physical and mental-of your actions.

4. Explore BDSM Communities-Hmmm...idk about getting into that hardcore bondage and pain stuff. 

So, what do you all think?  What has happened in the last couple of days to make you say "Hmmm..."

11 More Days to Christmas

A Few Good Men

Hello everyone out there,

     So, I was reading the Black Love issue (December '09) of Essence Magazine.  As I was reading, I stumbled across Real Talk, an interview by their relationships editor Demetria Lucas in which she talked with "5 single alpha-male Black men."  I was very intrigued by some of the things these few good men had to say.  Therefore, without further delay here is my response and take on what I read.

     Well, the first subject Lucas inquired about was the age old question of why are so many Black women single?  Right off the bad three (Joel, Wes and Norman) out of the five men claimed that we as Black women have standards that are too high for Black men to reach.  Norman (26) went so far as to say, "They have an entitled attitude like, I deserve this. I deserve that. No, you don't!"

     Dear Norman,  didn't you ever listen to 'I Deserve' by Tank.  Just like he deserved everything bad that happened to him because he stepped out on his good Black woman, I deserve everything wonderful for being such a wonderful and hardworking Black woman.  When I'm in a relationship with a guy, I certainly feel like I'm entitled to certain things such as monogamy, honesty, loyalty, love and your attention.  As far as, Black women having standards that are too high, I think more Black men can benefit from thinking more in terms of how Rich and Wes think.

     Rich said that he loves women with high standards because he has to up his game to get her.  And as Wes simply put it, "The men are just not on par."  I mean really have no Black men ever watched the Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo?  Those women feel like they are entitled to only the best and most of them are White.  So, why is it that we as Black women get a bad wrap for feeling the same way?

     I mean seriously, if you're trying to talk to a Black woman that's independent, on her grind and has her life together, you damn skippy she feels entitled to only the best.  You better get like Wes and Rich and up your game homie.  I was kind of appalled when Joel suggested that "women should lower their standards and give brothers a chance."  WTF?!  Why should I have to lower my standards just so you can feel like you've got a shot at love with me?  I'm not Tila Tequila son.

     If you feel like I'm out of your reach then that means:

1-You're lazy and not willing to take on a challenge when you're face to face with one;

2-I probably am out of your reach and you did a good thing by not even stepping to me;

or 3-You're not truly ready for love.  If you want something bad enough, you'll do whatever it takes to get it.

     Moving on, the next question addressed the issue of why so many Black men date White chicks over their own Nubian queens.  Once again, I applaud Joel for putting it our there that this whole idea that Black women are always up in your business while White girls are passive and just let you get away with shit is a stereotype created by society.  We all see what happened to O.J., Kobe and now Tiger Woods for buying into that myth.  Of course, Norman felt like the reason was because Black women don't know how to meet their man halfway.  Personally, I feel like Norman is on some other shit.  Compromising is not a race thing.  I see he's bought into the myth a little bit.  White girls will bust your balls and the windows out your Escalade just as hard and quick as a Black woman will sir.

     Compromising is something you learn.  Each relationship is different.  Maybe, I compromised this in my last few relationships and found that compromising on that specific thing didn't work out.  While it's not your fault, don't be insensitive and expect me to make the compromise again after I've told you why I'm not doing it.  Prove yourself and give me a reason to believe you're different.  In other words, give me something worth compromising for.  Then men please come out of the mindset that compromising is the woman's job.  Yeah, you might be the head of the house, but giving in now and then won't change that.

     Hell, if anything it will inspire us.  We'll be like 'oh he did that for me, so maybe I can do this for him.'  Compromise is a two way street.  Learn that!  When asked if Black men had quality options amongst Black women in regards to us being wife material, I think that Brian's response started well, but quickly turned South.

     I agreed with him pointing out that a lot of Black men are turned off towards the idea of putting a ring on it because of their parents poor relationship model.  But when started saying that listening to his friend talk about how miserably unhappy he was with his wife since they got married, I thought you're crazy and I need to meet that friend.  Every marriage is unique, just because your friend is unhappy doesn't mean you will be the same.  And to the friend, I would like to ask-Weren't you happy with her while you dating and romancing?  Yes?  Well, what's the problem now?

     See a lot of people are under the misguided assumption that when you get married you're suppose to change who you are.  Not the case.  Marriage is just making your relationship secure in the sight of God and legal in the sight of the law.  It doesn't mean that you should stop doing the things that attracted you both to each other and ultimately got you down the aisle.  Your demeanor should be the same as it was before you said 'I do.'

     Brian's third excuse for not wanting to get married was because "there are a lot of beautiful women out here and if you're married, you miss out on opportunities."  What opportunities?  Clearly, he could benefit from some therapy sessions to help battle his commitment phobia.  I'm all for dating and seeing what's out there, but let's face it your fear will only make for a lot of lonely days and nights when you're old.  He can enjoy the bootylicious honeys now, but when he starts getting wrinkles and balding not to mention ED, those "opportunities" as he called them will be scarce and very few.

     I think Rich and Wes had the best response when it came explaining what they wanted a marriage to be.  "It's an emotional and a business partnership" with someone who won't detract from your goals. I couldn't agree more.  You need more than just love.  Love is fleeting in our society.

     Well, ladies have you ever wondered why you haven't been approached by a keeper yet?  According to the guys being obnoxiously loud, trying too hard for attention, not leaving enough to imagination and entertaining every man that hollas are huge turn offs.  Instead, the guys insist that we should keep it "simple and classy", don't act bourgeois, and be selective of the men we mingle with.  Every guy who steps to you doesn't need to get playing time.  Good guys embrace a challenge and you're too busy letting Pimping Curl and his boys spit some game in your ear, then you're going to come off as easy and willing to settle for less than your worth.

    Oh and lose the hating friends.  They said that they have walked away from many good women because the bitter friend got in the way.  So, tell all the bitter friends to let you handle your business and check their attitudes at the door.  Who knows they might get some good guy attention if hate wasn't oozing from their pores.

     And when it comes to sex, surprisingly none of them were looking for a woman who could "swing from the chandeliers."  You just need to be open to trying new things (different positions, oral sex, etc).  Wes and Joel say that just putting on nice lingerie is enough to keep your man satisfied.   Guys are visual creatures.  In addition, it helps to throw on one of his shirts and just walk around in it with a little booty hanging out the bottom.  Bottom line is just loosen up in the bedroom ladies and keep it sexy.

    The million dollar was "What will it take for a guy to put a ring it?"  Not much really.  Brian says we should be independent.  Norman wants his future wife to be able to keep him check and to set rules.  Don't let your man walk all over you.  Have big dreams and actually pursue them.  Last but not least support your man's dreams and truly believe in his vision.

     Overall, I certainly walked away from the article with a few pointers and some fresh insight as to what the Black men of today want.  I will keep those pointers in mind as I continue to navigate the dating field.  And hopefully my sistas will do the same.